December 16, 2002


the only episode of the best and worst show ever:

Sean Keane, Toddler Negotiator

[scene: a bank. enter two armed toddlers with masks.]

toddler michele: this is a thtick-up!
toddler didofoot: give uth all your money and candy and thtickers!

bank manager haim: get keane over here, quick!

haim: [in mock whisper to keane] hey, keane, what does the book say about this?

KEANE: [in mock whisper to haim, looking at book very seriously] well haim, it says here only BABIES try to hold up banks for money and candy!

[toddler didofoot starts crying]
[toddler michele takes off babs bunny mask, puts down water pistol and storms out with dignity]

toddler michele: are you coming, didofoot?
toddler didofoot: i think i just wet mythelf.

[scene 2, same bank.]

phone rings.

haim: hello?

toddler didofoot: [deepening voice to 1000Hz] thith is controller hollohan thpeaking. [clears throat loudly and forcefully. tells personal anecdote]

haim: yes?

toddler didofoot: tranthfer all your money and thtuff to michele's account.

haim: hey, keane, what do you make of this?

KEANE: [very seriously] it says here only BABIES act like inspector holohan and try to trick us.

[toddler didofoot starts crying]

gene: allen, this is the voice of GOD speaking.
allen: yes, gen--, uh god?
gene: allen i need you to end this submission at once.
allen: but god, i was just starting to have f--
gene: i said NOW!
allen: what a bummer, this is just like the odyssey
gene: WHAT?
allen: can i at least write 'fin'?
gene: [after a pause.] proceed.


Posted by at December 16, 2002 04:37 PM

uncertain whether she is being insulted or complimented by her inclusion in this blog, toddler didofoot stands, irresolute, idly scratching the edge of her pampers. finally, she takes the only action she can think of: when in doubt, spit up on allen's shoes.


Posted by: didofoot on December 16, 2002 04:51 PM

for good measure, toddler michele poo-poos in her pampers, pulls them down and, scooping up some of the slimy gunk, flings it at sean's head. Pullling the unwieldy diaper back up she commences a song and dance routine of the 'i'm a big kid now' ditty. moons haim and walks out with even more dignity than the first time.


Posted by: michele on December 16, 2002 05:55 PM


Posted by: Nuala on December 16, 2002 06:54 PM

i like the implication that only babies spell my name with two l's as well. (i feel your pain, michelllllllle.)

and by the way, i've sought medical help for the chronic throat clearing. i still can't get it to leave. i can never be a radio personality and i'm going to be a terrible trial lawyer. thanks for making me cry again, allen.

it reminds me of this time when i AR-CHHHEEEMMM!

Posted by: holohan on December 16, 2002 10:17 PM