December 13, 2002

love letter to megs

internet is getting scarce. for now, please enjoy 'love letter to megs'.

and, like colin powell, i'll be right black.

---love letter to megs

is megs the one i like? that's great, cuz i could ONLY fall for her in an emotional sense. we would never have sex. we would play chess, eat omelettes and mango juice on sundays, and discuss the sexual act as though we had actually participated in it, and even give each other suggestions on how to make it more (virtually) pleasurable for the other. we would rent movies and frolick in the supermarket without actually making physical contact. she would surprise me with little vegan treats all around the house and i would surprise her by giving them to needy children. she would feel such strong emotions for me that she would start crying every time i walk in to the room in that way that only i can walk in to a room. i would cry every time someone said 'legs' or talked about 'pegs'. we would finish each other's sentences. like she would say, Sean connery is THE best james bond, and i would say, PERIOD. and people would shake their heads and tear at the corner of their eyes. at the dinner table we would make faces as though we were playing footsie, without, of course, actually
doing it. i would notice when she folded the towels with a 3-inch frill instead of a 2-inch one, and say, Hmm, megs must be sad today. megs would review my day's perl coding, notice that i was using an all-out 'if' clause instead of the '&&' shortcut, and say to herself, Allen is feeling anger mixed with frustration, but also, he realises that it will pass. and her world will go hazy for a moment as she
loses her balance and thinks about how wonderful i am: my strange nose, my habit of never chewing the same piece of gum for more than 5 minutes, the sad stoop to my shoulders. she'll remember the time we commandeered that goose and cooked it over a low flame for hours and hours. i would see her melting alex with that smile of hers, and i would love them both so much that i would say, Go on alex, have a night with her beneath our quilted sheet protector; or, alternatively, Go on megs, go into the bathroom and give alex all the attention he needs, you can even do the tricks i like (virtually). You have exactly 5 minutes. i would write her haikus and she would forgive me if the middle line was 8 or 9 syllables. she would refer to '3 mooses' or a 'herd' of fish. i wouldn't forgive her though, because i don't forgive that kind of sloppiness in anyone. i would call her 'megalicious' loud enough for people to hear, and make a slapping noise against my own thigh, and she would execute a perfectly choreographed jump and squeal, Ooooh! people would wait till they passed us on the street, then give each other a pitying look and shake their head, expressing how childish, vulnerable, and edenic they found a love like ours. sometimes schoolgirls on the bus would giggle about how we held hands even while paying the fare. i would sing her 'she's like the wind' and she would forgive me not sounding like patrick swayze. come on, no one sounds like patrick swayze! when school would end and she would return to maine and i to locust, pennsylvania, she would swear to maintain a certain fidelity. she would date occasionally, but merely as amusement. i would ...

who am i kidding, i don't fall for ANYONE emotionally. she will have to make do with the old blindfolded anonymous in and out, the famous 'haim maneuver'.

alternatively, i fall for EVERY girl emotionally. but there's no middle ground, especially not for a passive-aggressive, weak-willed, feelings-hiding no-fish-aggregating goose-stealing no-good physicist chick like pegs or dregs or whatever the hell her name is.

-the captain (shook his head)

[debt acknowledged to miles z. for that last part]

nov 24, 2002

Posted by at December 13, 2002 01:38 PM

so're saying you're emotionally inaccessible? you're saying you're NOT looking for a serious relationship? that you're just a serial good-time-guy?

I am super disillusioned.

Posted by: didofoot on December 13, 2002 01:47 PM

goddamn! one of the best expositions of ostensible disfunction ever. ten points and a ham.

Posted by: chamomile spraypaint on December 16, 2002 05:04 PM