February 21, 2003


Emoticon Awkwardly Translated On Telephone
- Emoticonicon provides much-needed feeling to human speech

After 72 consecutive hours logged on to AOL's Instant Messaging Network, and 5 months of communicating with friends and family only through e-mail, Patrick Stein was startled by the sound of his telephone ringing for the first time in recent memory.

"Hello Patrick," said the friendly voice of his mother, "I've been unable to reach you for ages!"

Patrick responded in a rusty monotone, "well mother whose fault is that smiley-face"

"Pat dear," she continued, modulating her voice to provide nuances of expression and emphasis, "Why don't you call us any more?"

"come on mom phones are dumb winky-guy" he responded. "no wait," he added, "make that winky-guy-with-nose"

"I don't understand your funny lingo, honey," she replied, puzzled.

"its the bset i can do to make you understand".

What Patrick meant is that he needed a way to translate the fluent expressiveness of his every day language into the artificial, contrived medium of direct human contact.

"thank god for emoticonicons" he thought to himself.

"Look maybe you could stop by for tea? Your father and I would love to see your face -- in person"

"you know what i look like winky-guy"

"Pat, honey, we want to see your face, your eyes and your expressions."

"look mom i'm either happy sad or winking. sometimes i have a nose. what else do you need? loveya winky-guy"

postmanpat signed off at 15:32.02
disappointedmom hung up.

Posted by at 11:17 AM

February 14, 2003

A Treatise on Thincking

person 1 - do you think we should invade iraq?
person 2: yes.
person 1 - how old is the universe?
person 2: about 6000 years.
person 1 - how am i supposed to take you seriously now?
person 2: please accept this complimentary bible.

Posted by at 12:49 PM


1 ^ saddam hussein is dangerous. he has weapons of mass destruction and no qualms about using them. we must invade iraq.

2 > then we must invade north korea too?

1 ^ are you crazy?! north korea has weapons of mass destruction ... and no qualms about using them! that could be dangerous.


person 1 > saddam hussein is crazy, sets a low worth on human life, and is suicidal. we need to invade iraq and possibly kill him.

person 2 < with his back against the wall, sh could
1) fire missiles at israel
2) attack u.s. troops with biological weapons
3) gas more kurdish villages
4) fire any combination of weapons at any neighboring country or people he wishes before he goes.

person 1 > are you kidding? that would be suicide. he'd have to be crazy.

Posted by at 12:47 PM

February 12, 2003

no tradebacks

the best part about getting mugged in panama was the following AIM conversation:

16:36:03 allenhaim: i got mugged yesterday.
16:36:07 ziaeian36: why?

and the best part about it happening again in ecuador was the following:

20:09:13 ziaeian36: you need to stop getting mugged.
20:09:30 allenhaim: yeah.

but the worst part about the second time was that in relieving me of my belongings, including my camera, they also took the film that was in it. so, i've been thinking about ways to gently ask your mugger to give you back the film while keeping the camera, and not provoking any further harm to yourself.


1) um i was wondering, keep all the stuff, but could i have the film back?

2) um i was wondering, keep all the stuff, but could i have the film back please?

3) after you develop and scan that film, could you upload it to my FTP server? lend me a pen and i'll write down the URL. don't worry! i'll give it back.

4) i'll make the password something simple. how about, 'mugger'.

5) no wait! that's no good. look, just log in anonymous. send your e-mail address as the password.

6) to press that little 'film rewind' button, remember to only use the attached SmartStylus (TM). using a needle or a pen could damage your new camera.

7) how silly of me! i realise you probably can't afford to develop the roll yourself. let me give you my credit card number, it's 53 ... oh, that's not necessary. you have my credit card.

8) you will find a business card for a cheap developing place inside my wallet.

9) our wallet.

10) your wallet.

11) yes, that's how you open it. but first you have to rewind the cartri---oh i see you've exposed the film.

12) *sigh*

Posted by at 07:50 AM